LAbrarian

Psycho. Volume 3.

2009-10-26T16:05:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, my friend Ed and I found ourselves having, as we often do, tacos for lunch. The tacos were tasty and this, lovely and new, establishment also made available a selection of cupcakes. I decided that I would have a red velvet cupcake. Though I found, much to my dismay, that it had been refrigerated and was too cold to be edible at that moment. I decided to let it sit for a while. In the interim, we were visited by an old friend. Yes, indeed. There happened to be an empty table perpendicular to ours and she took up residence there. This establishment happened to be quieter than the previous and I was able to hear more of what she said. This one-sided conversation, as I had suspected, consisted mainly of gibberish. Though, I was able to discern that she thought that my cupcake was fancy. It was, most definitely, fancy. I have never seen a more sumptuous nor more hastily consumed cupcake. Ever.

Assault.

2009-09-14T17:12:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I found myself, once again, having been lured by the promise of cupcakes, at Auntie Em's. My friend Ed and I were seated at a small table in the middle of the dining area, which left me feeling rather ill at ease to begin with. My unsettled feeling was reinforced by an assault in the form of a waitress carrying a chair. She apologized and, since I wasn't injured or in any pain, I continued on merrily eating breakfast (though the time of day would have suggested that I was eating a late lunch). Some time later, cupcakes consumed and bill paid, I was violated a second time by the very same waitress and chair. This time, it hurt. She apologized profusely and refunded the cost of our deserts. I only wish I had ordered a dozen cupcakes.

Hypothetical Reasons For a Blog to Lay Fallow.

2009-09-10T17:14:00.000-07:00

1. Lack of inspiration.

2. A clandestine love affair.

3. A thirty-day cruise from Los Angeles to New Zealand.

4. Food-poisoning.

5. Loss of internet access.

6. Writer's block.

7. Famine.

Concerning establishments that never close.

2009-08-18T17:12:00.000-07:00

If one is the proprietor of a restaurant that is open 24 hours per day, one might be concerned about patrons who, perhaps, overstay their welcome. Here are some excellent solutions, that I have encountered, to this vexing problem:

1. Play sappy love songs from the 1980's on a loop. A very short loop.

2. As an alternative to #1, play a radio station with static sufficient enough to be audible but not to drown out the music completely.

3. Invest in seating that discourages lengthy use.

4. Put your staff on a table-clearing schedule sporadic enough to attract flies to the unconsumed portions of food left on the aforementioned tables.

Eggs.

2009-07-24T15:50:00.000-07:00

If you find yourself administering an Easter egg hunt, keep track of where you hide the eggs. Use a map or, perhaps, a spreadsheet. Accept the possibility that the participants might not find all of the eggs. By keeping track of the eggs, you can lessen the odds that some unsuspecting individual will find an egg full of melted and rotting jelly beans in the shrubbery in front of their apartment.

Pain.

2009-06-29T09:10:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I went to see the new film Whatever Works at a small theater in Pasadena. I happened to get an aisle seat and, when an old man indicated that he wanted to sit in my row, I stood up so that he might have more room to get to his seat. When he stepped on my foot, I was inclined to let it go and not say anything. He was elderly, after all. When he stepped on my other foot, however, I couldn't help but let out an, "ouch!" He did not apologize or acknowledge my pain in any way. I was wearing sandals, by the way.

A trip to the phlebotomist.

2009-06-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

And, you know, other stuff. I guess they ran out of those sterile cups. Where's the keg?

How I Love Auntie Em's.

2009-06-02T07:44:00.001-07:00

(I had the quiche.)

Psycho. Volume 2.

2009-05-10T17:14:00.001-07:00

Yesterday morning, I found myself at Los Angeles International Airport, having booked myself a flight to Boston that was to depart at 7:30 am. As you might imagine, I was a bit groggy, and was dragging myself from Starbucks, at one end of the terminal, to my gate (#41), at the other end of the terminal. In fact, most of the waiting passengers seemed quite lethargic as well, except for one. All of a sudden I saw a frantic woman running toward me and managed to, mostly, get out of the way before she sideswiped me. Some moments later, almost at my gate, I feel, what seems like a human body, hit me from behind and keep going at high speed. It was the same frenzied woman. And she heads for, you guessed it, gate #41. Great.

Some of the contents of a mysteriously and long abandoned car in Pasadena.

2009-04-25T17:18:00.000-07:00

1. A butter knife.

2. A pirated copy of the film Taken.

3. One patent leather shoe with an approximately three inch heel.

4. A receipt for a gymnastics class.

5. Many garments, several of which were made out of leopard print fabric.

6. An empty bag of Doritos.

7. The keys to the ignition.

Is it a space ship?

2009-04-20T20:51:00.000-07:00

Is it a robot?

Is it a teleportation device?

No. It's a scanner. A German one. Ja.

Psycho.

2009-04-17T15:10:00.000-07:00

I have had some encounters in my life that would indicate that I am some sort of magnet for the mentally unwell. Perhaps I should write a series of entries just on that topic. But, for now, here's the latest... Not too long ago, my friend Ed and I were eating lunch at a nearby taco place. There was guacamole. It was tasty. All was right with the world. That is, until we had some company. A woman approached our table and, though I couldn't quite understand what she was saying, motioned as if to take one of our vacant chairs. I nodded, thinking that she would take the chair and wander off to her own table. I was a bit surprised when she sat down and started talking. I couldn't tell who, if anyone, she was addressing. She wasn't looking at me, or anyone else for that matter. I was only able to make out one word: modesty. Was this a commentary on my wardrobe? Was she Amish? Was she a Mormon? Was she completely insane? Then, she asked two men at a nearby table if she could have some of their chips. They said no and she replied that she was just kidding. It was at this point that Ed and I, having finished our tacos, exchanged an alarmed glance and decided, very quickly, to abandon our table and go get coffee. I hope she enjoyed the the chips that we left behind.

Anxiety.

2009-04-09T09:02:00.000-07:00

Since I work in an academic library, people under the age of eighteen are generally anomalous. For the past several days I have noticed a number of tour groups, comprised of small children, coming into the Library. The objective of these tours still eludes me. Much of the time, they went on their merry way. But sometimes, as it seemed to have been discussed and agreed upon beforehand, they asked a question at the reference desk (where I happened to be perched). First, let me say that I am not good with crowds. They make me nervous. So, when one child came to the desk, apparently acting as spokesperson, and the others crowded around on all sides of the desk I was a bit, um, anxious. And when they asked their question and waited, with bated breath, for my, no doubt accurate and enlightening, response I nearly choked. In the end, I was able to find the call number for Lord of the Rings: PR6039.O32 L67 1954. I also managed to recall, somewhere in the reaches of my memory, that the Library holds roughly 500,000 volumes (eliciting gasps of shock and awe).

Well, I certainly hope so.

2009-03-26T19:06:00.000-07:00

Obsession.

2009-03-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

When I was in the hospital in October, having an emergency appendectomy, a friend of mine who was visiting said, "Perhaps you should speak to the good doctor about your addiction to lip balm." At the time, I was hopped up on pain medication and ensconced in the womb-like cocoon of warm blankets. I laughed it off. But, my dear readers, I am writing today to confess to you whole-heartedly that I am, indeed, a lip balm addict. And, I must tell you that, even though I have heard that the first step in recovery is the admission that one has a problem, I have no intention of relinquishing my lip balm.
I keep stashes of lip balm in many places: In my office, on my bedside table, on the bookshelf by the door next to the keys, in the bathroom, in my bag, and in other locations which I will not divulge. This is due to the fact that I am often forgetting and/or misplacing my lip balm. Most recently I lost a tube of lip balm to the laundry. I left it in my pants pocket. I only noticed when I found it among the newly dried garments. I removed the cap and found that, though the tube was intact, it was empty. I can only speculate as to the fate of the balm. Was it dissolved, by soap and water, in the washing machine? Or was it melted by the heat of the dryer? Will I find a re-congealed glob of it on some item of clothing at some point in the future?

Mr. Hubbard Strikes Again.

2009-03-18T15:35:00.000-07:00

In the Acquisitions Department, we receive shipments of new materials nearly every day. Today, amid the soul-crushingly vast conglomeration of boxes that comprised the shipment, was a box from my good friends at Bridge Publications. As you may recall, I've received packages from them before. What was different about this shipment was that I happened to have called to my attention the tiny little text that reads "Publisher of the non-fiction works of L. Ron Hubbard" and I did not open the box. And having gotten the go-ahead, from our religion bibliographer, to trash any and all unsolicited Scientology materials, I joyfully proceeded to write on the box, with a thick black sharpie, the words "return to sender."

Vortex.

2009-03-06T20:26:00.000-08:00

I am rather fond of the occasional nap. Today, after work, I was quite tired and I decided to take a nap once I got home. And since work cloths are no fun to sleep in, I went to put on my pajamas. But I had some trouble locating them. I looked everywhere: bedroom floor, under the bed, laundry basket, bathroom floor, hook on back of bathroom door. They were gone. Nowhere to be found. Vanished. But where? A vortex? A black hole? Have the gnomes returned to wreak their havoc? F-ing gnomes.

Recent and Ridiculous Mistakes.

2009-03-02T14:56:00.000-08:00

Booking a flight for March 9, when you had intended to depart on May 9. And then paying $150 to change your reservation.

Parking in an area where a permit is required after 6pm (at 6:15pm) and returning to your car just as the evil-meter-minion has spotted your parking error. And then waiting, sheepishly, as he prints out your parking ticket.

Arranging for, what you hope will be, an excellent speaker for a colloquium that you are helping to organize only to find out, two weeks before the event, that you gave this person the wrong date and that they will not be available to speak.

Good thing I'm not a surgeon or an air traffic controller.

Reasons to look forward to a hospital stay.

2009-02-19T15:34:00.000-08:00

1. The possibility of morphine.

2. A plentiful supply of warm blankets.

3. The blissful combination of morphine and warm blankets.

4. Being able to overhear very strange conversations.

5. Not being held responsible for anything strange that you might say.

6. Not being expected to remember anything strange that you might have said.

How to make someone feel really uncomfortable.

2009-01-29T10:16:00.000-08:00

1. Choose your prey wisely: the person should be alone, minding their own business, perhaps out for an early morning walk on a desolate city street.

2. Make sure you've developed some sort of facial twitch or muscle spasm.

3. Start asking personal questions immediately: Inquire as to marital status, current occupation, and place of residence.

4. Physical contact is very important.

If the person retreats into a coffee shop, you've done your job well.

An Invasion of Personal Space.

2008-12-28T15:07:00.000-08:00

So, I'm home for the holidays. Home being Massachusetts, just in case you didn't know. Today I met my good friend Sandra at Harvard Square. A splendid time was had by all and, after we parted ways, I wandered around a bit. As I was approaching the T station to make my escape, I saw several people holding signs advertising "free hugs." Oh my. Yes. This brings several questions to mind:

1. Aren't hugs usually free anyway?

2. Were the Harvard students whiling away their winter break with a little sociological experiment?

3. Was this a ploy to attract converts for some new cult or religion?
4. Was it a performance piece?

Hmmmmmm......

Missing Fruit.

2008-12-17T16:35:00.001-08:00

One morning, a couple of weeks ago, I was putting together my lunch to bring to work that day. Among the items that I had planned to consume was an orange. I threw it in my lunch bag and headed off to work. When I got to my office I noticed the conspicuously less awkward shape of my lunch bag which lead me to discover that the orange was missing. Immediately thereafter my attention was occupied by other things and I forgot all about the orange. A few days ago I happened to have a passenger in my car who, upon entering, erupted in a fit of laughter. When I inquired as to the source of this hilarity my passenger pointed out that there was an orange, seated perfectly and serenely, in the rear seat cup holder.

Celebrity.

2008-12-01T08:48:00.001-08:00

I've lived in LA for almost three years and on Saturday I finally spotted a famous person. I saw, while grocery shopping, that guy who played Newman on Seinfeld. I wouldn't have even noticed, but someone approached him and asked if he had been in Jurassic Park. Hmmmm. No, I didn't talk to him or ask for his autograph. If I were not socially inept, I would have sidled up to him and said, with utter disdain, "Hello, Newman."

He probably gets that all the time.

Vomit.

2008-11-05T16:51:00.000-08:00

Today at work, I learned how to clean up bodily fluids. That's right. The next time a student wanders into the library on Monday morning, still drunk from the night before, I will know the correct procedure for cleaning up his or her vomit. This will also come in handy when someone discovers mysterious fluids in the elevator.

Buh-bye Mr. Appendix.

2008-11-01T11:52:00.001-07:00

This is going to be short because 1. I can't sit up in this position for very long and 2. I keep falling asleep randomly. Where to begin? I had my appendix removed, unexpectedly, on Wednesday. I went to the hospital Wednesday morning, having been up all night with, what I thought was, some sort of stomach virus. I left the hospital Thursday night missing one superfluous organ. I wanted to take it home in a jar but they wouldn't let me. I'm home recuperating but I'm quite sore still. And groggy...

A Lunch-Time Mishap.

2008-10-17T16:31:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the College's employee recognition ceremony. No, I was not recognized for anything, but several of my co-workers were. After the event, there was lunch served outside. There were lots of tables placed strategically in the burning hot sun. There were other tables, those tall ones at which one is expected to stand, or I suppose, employ a tall chair (though there were none afforded us). One of my co-workers and I, having gotten our lunch, went to find a shady spot. We came upon a vacant standing-up-type table, though it was in a sunnier region than we would have liked. My co-worker suggested that we carry the small table to a shadier area which was only a few yards away. So, we put our food down on the table top and carried our table off to this new area. We were almost there when, much to our surprise and chagrin, the bottom of the table fell off, with a clatter, to the ground. We were left standing, helplessly, holding our table top and lunches, slightly panicked and uncertain as to our fate. Luckily, a passerby came to our aid and we proceeded to our destination unscathed.

Things that happen right before you leave for vacation.

2008-10-02T17:02:00.001-07:00

1. At 3:30 pm the new library directory bursts into your office, looking for detailed budget information from the past several years.

2. You receive a phone call from a representative of The Journal of Visualized Experiments, who offers you, among other minute details, a tour of the online journal.

3. You accidentally knock your hairdryer, which was next to the bathroom sink, into the toilette.

4. You get the hiccups, just as you are leaving for the airport.

Get Behind Me Satan.

2008-09-08T15:28:00.000-07:00

My library seems to have become a dumping ground for the unwanted books of students, faculty, staff, and assorted others. Yes, this is something that I have whined about before. We recently uncovered a title that just might be my favorite so far: The Strategy of Satan: How To Detect and Defeat Him by Warren W. Wiersbe. The previous owner of this book seems to have read and furiously annotated the text with underlining, stars, and various marginal comments. I have to wonder about this person. Why did they discard this, no doubt, important volume? Did they succumb to the lure of Satan?!

Cubicle Etiquette.

2008-09-04T10:38:00.001-07:00

As some of you may already know, my workspace is a large office-like cubicle. I have a door that locks and a window that overlooks the parking lot. It is a lovely view indeed. I have high walls that afford me a good amount of visual privacy. These walls, however, are extremely thin and are comprised out of plastic and some sort of textured poly-cotton blend. My office neighbors, who have inhabited these structures for some time, still don't seem to understand that I can hear every single word that they say. I will hear one neighbor, whispering in futility, complaining about the other neighbor or, perhaps, engaging in a sensitive phone conversation. I only hope that when they complain about me and my tyrannical management style that they have the courtesy to take it outside.

Humiliation.

2008-08-25T08:54:00.000-07:00

It is time for a new academic year to begin. The faculty have returned, well rested, from their summer vacations. The freshmen have arrived for orientation and are already groggy from freedom-inspired bouts of binge drinking. Of course, the library has to have a theme for everything. This year's orientation theme is space exploration. And I have been asked to wear a badge that reads, "Mission Control Research Group." When my supervisor handed it to me this morning, I looked at her incredulously, and as she returned my incredulity I realized that she wasn't joking.

Gremlins.

2008-07-31T10:46:00.001-07:00

On a recent trip home, I went bowling with my good friend Kelly. I was excited to find that the folks at this circa 1972 bowling ally had implemented a circa 1995 automated scoring system. There was a monitor mounted on the wall above the lane that would display the scores of each player. It also included animated graphics that congratulated the successful bowler and taunted those who were less so. Unfortunately, I fell into the latter category. When, on the first try, I was unable to knock down any pins (which happened fairly often) I was met with a 6-bit creature who was most menacing in nature. It would wave at me and laugh and I would futilely shake my fist at the monitor.

I need a drink.

2008-07-18T17:15:00.000-07:00

And here's why:

1. An unexplainable budget surplus: We can't just be happy and leave it alone, we have to figure out why, or more to the point, I have to figure out why.

2. An unexpected delivery of 25 boxes of overflow of periodicals from the chemistry library, which we have NO room for. They are now wedged in between the stacks in the government documents area.

3. A random donation of approximately 550 books, while I happen to be at a meeting, from a person who claims to have spoken with me previously and obtained permission to make the delivery.

4. Not more than thirty minutes ago, I noticed that the large recycling bucket in my department was gone, its contents having been dumped out onto the floor. This can only mean one thing: something is leaking, somewhere. So, slightly alarmed, I wander around a bit and find a half-a-dozen of my co-workers staring at a ceiling leak in the reference area.

Stop Stalking Me.

2008-07-03T17:14:00.000-07:00

Through the power of Google Analytics, one of my co-workers has discovered that my name has been Googled (with the user ultimately landing on our library's website) ninety-seven times in the past month. I'm a little bit disturbed by this.

Lindsey's I-am-so-sick-of-ordering-replacements-for-flood-damaged-books playlist.

2008-07-02T16:45:00.000-07:00

1. Sick Day by Fountains of Wayne
2. There's More to Life Than This by Bjork
3. Who's Got the Crack? by The Moldy Peaches
4. Satan is My Master by Ben Folds Five
5. Detachable Penis by King Missile

Metahumor.

2008-06-30T09:11:00.001-07:00

Last night I went to see a reading by one of my favorite authors, David Sedaris, at a local bookstore. Being vertically challenged and, as it happened, about ten rows back from the front, I had a little trouble seeing the events that unfolded. After adjusting my chair, which luckily was at the end of the aisle, I was able to just barely see the head of Mr. Sedaris, in between a couple of onlookers seated in front of me. In order to maintain my view of him throughout the reading, I often had to adjust my position, in accordance with the ticks and movements of those with more advantageous seating. At times, it seemed to me as if Mr. Sedaris was nibbling on the ear of the man seated to my right, one row in front of me. At other times it appeared that, perhaps, our speaker had sprouted from the head of the spikily coiffed gentleman seated two rows ahead of me. And, somehow, it only added to the hilarity that ensued. Is "spikily" even a word? I don't think so.

Notes at the end of the fiscal year.

2008-06-27T15:07:00.000-07:00

I hate the end of the fiscal year.

I spent $15,860.22 today, and I'm not even finished.

My mind has started playing tricks on me. Yesterday, I saw a scooter with a bumper sticker that read 'Screw Exxon' and at first glance I thought it read 'Screw Nixon' prompting me to ask myself, "Where am I?" and "When am I?"

Veronica accused me of "pill-popping" this morning. Damn it, I had (and still have) a headache.

Adhesive.

2008-06-23T13:56:00.000-07:00

I attended a work lunch today, to which I carpooled with several co-workers. The co-worker who was driving has a young child who, apparently, likes Hello Kitty. And who could blame her? I adore Hello Kitty. I got in the car and noticed that there was a Hello Kitty bandaid stuck to the seat, thought nothing of it, and sat down. We had lunch, which was great fun, and then made our way back to the car. I decided to sit in the same seat where I had sat on the way to lunch and made a most disturbing discovery. Half of the Hello Kitty bandaid was gone. And there was only one place where it could be. I was forced to, gingerly, ask my co-workers to help me ascertain the whereabouts of the bandaid. Yes, I asked them to look at my bum. And there it was. The most embarrassing part: I needed assistance in removing the item, which was quite sticky.

Move Over Emily Post.

2008-06-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

This is the latest gem found among the piles of donated crap that we are sifting through:
Barbara Cartland's Etiquette for Love and Romance, published in 1984.
Here are some highlights:

1. What should you say if you accidentally call a man by another man's name?

2. If it is raining, should you hold your own umbrella or expect the man to hold it for you?

3. If you find yourself yawning when another person is talking to you, should you apologize or pretend it never really happened?

4. What ploys may be used to get a man's attention at a party? Should you drop something?

5. Is it proper to have dinner alone in a man's apartment?

How very timely, thanks Barbara.

Hidden Treasure.

2008-06-19T06:59:00.000-07:00

We find all sorts of things in donated books: a holiday card, a bookmark, a receipt (with a credit card number on it), yellowing correspondence, but this one is my favorite.

Veronica found it in the donated book of a faculty member, I won't say who. That would be unethical, of course. Oh, the smell of vintage pregnancy test instructions.

Meet Our New Mascot.

2008-06-16T21:31:00.001-07:00

This is Hubert, or in Spanish: Huberto (pronounced, I think, Ooo bearrrr toh). My student assistant, Veronica, made the hat out of a post-it note. Another summer project we are embarking upon is rubber band balls. We've both started one and now it's a race to the finish! Am I a terrible supervisor? Possibly.

The Elevator of Doom.

2008-06-13T17:15:00.000-07:00

The design of my library is very, um, strange. In a bad way. It is newly renovated and quite lovely in some areas. In other areas it's just decrepit and very unwelcoming. There are lots of nooks and weird little rooms all over the place. What really completes the creep factor is the scary elevator. There are certain parts of the library where, if you're taking a book cart with you to another floor, you must utilize this particular elevator. It is rather small and perhaps, coffin-like, and it has doors on each side which close, rather abruptly and with a sort of clatter, once you choose a floor. And to top it all off, there is a rather foreboding sign, a photo of which I posted below.

Book Circus.

2008-05-30T16:21:00.001-07:00

Today I attended a massive gathering of publishers, authors, vendors, librarians, and other book enthusiasts. How can I convey to you the insanity that was this event? First, let me say that there was a bounty of free swag at 'Book Circus,' as I have decided to re-name it. And swag, I am speculating, causes blindness. How many times was I almost walked into? How many burgeoning novelty tote bags almost smacked me in the face? I lost count. Aside from this, I will give you some highlights:
1. Scientologists (and they had multiple booths).
2. Fans of visiting authors, some in costume (most notable were the pirates).
3. People dressed up like Jesus wielding placards heralding the rapture.
4. A huge, horse-like, dalmatian.
5. An Ask-the-Lawyer booth, costing one nickel per five minutes (Sadly, I didn't have any burning legal questions).
6. Most hilarious item of swag: Condoms promoting a new book: Naughty Paris: A Lady's Guide to the Sexy City.

I Love Bubble Wrap.

2008-05-20T17:06:00.000-07:00

I do. Who doesn't? This is why I must report that I have made a most disturbing discovery: unpoppable bubble wrap. Who could do such a thing? Packaging engineers from hell, I tell you. This evil design forgoes the traditional single cells full of air for a series of connected cells filled with slightly less air making them (so far) impossible to burst. This is an outrage.

Elusive Office Supplies.

2008-05-19T17:10:00.000-07:00

I recently received some publication notices, via snail mail, from our European vendor, based in Germany. You know the one. Well, some of you know the one. Anyway.... Binding the slips together was a very interesting paper clip. Below, please find a photo of said item. I enjoy its unusual, albeit phallic, shape and its coppery color. I have never seen it for sale in an office supply store. Perhaps it is an exclusively European model. I find myself lacking the adequate vocabulary to describe it (phrases like "weird European paper clip," or "phallic paper clip" come to mind), so a Google search would be ineffective. If there are any suggestions, or if you find a trip to Europe in your near future, please let me know.

Laundry Night.

2008-05-12T21:55:00.000-07:00

Tonight, at the Laundromat, I encountered a mightily energetic brood of children. One of them had a pink scooter (which, of course, I coveted) and a tendency to burst into song. They forced me into hiding. And where was my chosen refuge? The restroom. I imagined that, since this is a facility with coin operated machinery, the manager decided to take advantage of this plethora of coinage by charging the restroom-goers one quarter per entry. Sanctuary comes at a hefty price indeed.

So, if I choose the button on the right, I get Spanish soap? Sweet.

Whole Paycheck.

2008-05-02T19:15:00.000-07:00

This is a nick name I have often heard used to describe Whole Foods Market. And yes, I have found that it has been given appropriately so. Tonight, I think I may have uncovered the reason behind this price gouging. I had gone to WF on the way home from work to grab a couple of things and was walking by the coffee-grinding area when I was suddenly struck by an undeniable need for an iced coffee. Bastards. So, I got my iced coffee and was adding cream and such when I saw an elderly woman take, what I can only describe as, a brick of napkins. The pile was so thick that she struggled to extricate it from the dispenser. Her (I assume) husband followed suit and took at least half a dozen of those made-out-of-corn-biodegradable spoons. Perhaps, by having what would seem like unreasonably high prices, the good people at Whole Paycheck are merely compensating for the overly enthusiastic population of napkin and cutlery thieves in the United States. I am in awe of their generosity.

2008-04-30T16:48:00.000-07:00

Star Wars Horoscope for Gemini

Like most Geminis, you are a playful little creature.

You tend to be extremely curious, craving knowledge but sometimes having a short attention span.

For the most part, you are charming and lovable.

But at times, you can seem scattered and high-strung.

Star wars character you are most like: Ewoks

What Is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

No, Thank You.

2008-04-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

I am generally a polite person. As an acquisitions librarian, I find my good manners stretched to the breaking point when vendors call peddling self-published books, databases of obscure and newly digitized materials, subscriptions for music publications in German, or new videos about some injustice or other. When I find such things in my email or snailmail inbox I am free to simply discard them or pass them on to someone else. But the phone calls are far less easy to dismiss. I am obligated to be courteous, professional, and polite. I have to let them down gently. I find myself saying things like, "Oh, I'm afraid we've reached the end of our ordering year," or "We'll be reviewing our subscriptions in the coming months, may I get back to you?" And what would I like to say?

1. Stop calling me.
2. Please call the Dean of the College and remind him that your prices increase by at least 10% each year and that a measly 3% increase in our annual budget wouldn't even pay for the bandwidth required to view those 200 year old letters that you've digitized.
3. Where is Darfur anyway?

Mmmmmm.....Tasty.

2008-04-13T11:05:00.001-07:00

My second rejected submission to McSweeney's Lists.

2008-04-11T10:04:00.000-07:00

Rejected titles for internet quizzes.

1. Which intestinal parasite are you?
2. How criminally insane are you?
3. Which 1970’s disaster film are you?
4. Which skin disease are you?
5. What do your eggs say about you?
6. How Amish are you?
7. What kind of single celled organism are you?

Please Call Me.

2008-04-10T11:22:00.000-07:00

This might sound like the plight of some lonely and desperate individual. But really it is the plight of someone desperate to hear their new ring tone over and over and over again. I can't keep calling myself from my office phone, now can I? That would just be weird. My co-workers, certainly familiar with the sound by now, would realize, due to my interminable giggling and the fact that I'm not actually answering the phone, that I was calling myself. I just can't have that. And to simply select it from my ring tones menu is no fun at all. Surely you understand my dilemma.

Loco no mas.

2008-04-08T20:08:00.000-07:00

Some of you have heard me complain incessantly about my crazy neighbor. You know, the one who makes weird noises and watches her TV with the volume turned all the way up, while wearing earplugs. Oh, yes. Well today, while conversing with my apartment manager on an unrelated topic, I learned that the neighbor has moved out! To say that I am elated, dear readers, doesn't seem to cover it.

Vindication.

2008-04-07T09:35:00.001-07:00

I must confess: it is April and I have not taken down my Christmas wreath. I really like it. It's so shiny! My biggest fear is that my neighbors, with whom I rarely interact, would think that I am some sort of psycho or Christmas enthusiast. And I am neither of those things. On Sunday, returning from a walk, I was approached by a neighbor wanting to know where I had gotten my wreath. A brief conversation followed and we both agreed that I should not take it down. Excellent.

A Home for Squirrels.

2008-04-01T08:55:00.000-07:00

My car has been making a squeaking noise for about three years and, being the procrastinator that I am, I have put off bringing it to a mechanic. So, this morning, motivated by comments from concerned passengers, I dropped my car off at a mechanic near work, who is reputed to be honest and reliable. I told him all about the noise, gave him the key, and walked off to work. Shortly after arriving in my office I received a call from the aforementioned mechanic. Among other problems, there was once a squirrel living in my car who has since vacated. I can't help but wonder about that squirrel. Was it a California squirrel or a Massachusetts squirrel? Hmmm......

Mystery Solved.

2008-03-31T13:42:00.000-07:00

I have discovered the identity of the Boston caller. It was not a human being, but an organization--a school to be exact. Yes, it was one of my alma maters, the second one. And why did they call? Money. They wanted money. I politely refused, while seething inside, thinking about the student loans that I'm going to be paying pack until I'm in my mid-forties.

Dear Boston People,

2008-03-25T18:26:00.001-07:00

One of you keeps calling me and I, as it happens, keep missing the call. I don't know who you are because 1) I don't recognize your phone number or have it stored in my phone and 2) You never leave a voicemail! Please identify yourself or leave a message next time so I can return your call with less awkwardness! Thanks.

My first rejected submission to McSweeney's Lists.

2008-03-20T10:24:00.000-07:00

Evidence that a movie is being filmed nearby, even though you never see actual filming taking place.

1. Tents and other impromptu structures, into which you will not be able to gain access.

2. Men, often with numerous belt accessories, having conversations that are seemingly of great urgency.

3. Trucks.

4. A serious lack of parking.

5. Equipment, that you will consider pilfering, though its use is beyond your knowledge or comprehension.

Sweet.

2008-03-17T17:07:00.001-07:00

Get Your Monster Name

I've been in LA for too long!

2008-03-14T10:56:00.000-07:00

You Are 60% Massachusetts

You're likely a Massachusetts transplant. Big rotaries still scare you, and you probably live outside of 495.

How Massachusetts Are You?

The Price of a Veggie Sandwich.

2008-03-13T14:36:00.001-07:00

Today Ed and I met for lunch at a restaurant called Auntie Em's. Before we even reached the door, we were accosted by a lackey wielding a release form. It seems they were filming a new TLC reality show called Knife Swap, in which chefs swap restaurants. In order to enter this establishment, we each had to sign a release form and have our photos taken. So, we signed our lives away and made our way through the sea of production folks crowding the very small entry-way. Lunch was tasty. Everything was great. Only after we'd finished eating lunch did I notice that my zipper was undone.

I have no words.

2008-03-03T17:15:00.000-08:00

Another day, another flood.

2008-03-03T15:58:00.000-08:00

I spent this past Saturday boxing up sopping wet books. Fun. And yes, in case you were wondering, the inks used on some of those old cloth covered books are indeed water soluble! And let me assure you, old wet books smell very bad. Those books are now on their way to be freeze dried in Texas ya'll.

Those F---ing Scientologists.

2008-02-25T13:48:00.000-08:00

The generous folks at Bridge Publications Inc. : Publisher of the non-fiction works of L. Ron Hubbard have sent us two copies of each of the eighteen recently re-released works of Mr. Hubbard. They have also, in their benevolence, included two copies of the DVD An Introduction to Scientology. This is the third shipment, in as many months, that I have received of "gifts" of Scientology materials. Why don't we ever get donations from Satan worshippers? WTF?!

Like I Said...

2008-02-20T11:07:00.001-08:00

You Are Strawberry Pocky

Your attitude: fresh and sweet

Comforting, yet quirky ... quietly hyper

You always see both sides to everything

What Flavor Pocky Are You?

Lessons learned while galavanting in Little Tokyo.

2008-02-18T19:13:00.001-08:00

1. My sense of direction in LA is still non-existent.

2. I don't hate beer.

3. Chestnuts as a topping on coffee flavored frozen yogurt: bad.

4. A modified Speak & Spell used as a musical instrument: good.

I am addicted to internet quizzes.

2008-02-13T15:25:00.000-08:00

You Are Scooter

Brainy and knowledgable, you are the perfect sidekick.

You're always willing to lend a helping hand.

In any big event or party, you're the one who keeps things going.

"15 seconds to showtime!"

The Muppet Personality Test

Lindsey's First California Presidential Primary.

2008-02-07T10:59:00.000-08:00

It was interesting. There was a camera crew filming some guy in a suit who was voting. Maybe I should have known who that person was, but I did not. And I messed up my ballot and had to ask for another one. How embarassing.

Some pointers to ensure the success of any committee or task force.

2008-02-04T19:46:00.000-08:00

1. A snappy acronym. Check out Harvard, they have acronyms for everything.

2. Lots of off-topic conversation. Bring up the latest episode of Heroes.

3. Food with lots of sugar or caffeine, preferably both.

4. Encourage your committee members to assume nicknames or alter egos, then use these pseudonyms during staff meetings so that non-committee people get really confused.

5. Use brightly colored markers as a distraction.

Oooh, shiny.

2008-01-31T17:54:00.000-08:00

Well readers, I must confess to you that I have not yet taken down my Christmas wreath. I can't quite bring myself to do it. It is made primarily of silver sequins. It is pretty and sparkly and good. Would it help, perhaps, if I started referring to it as the Groundhog's Day wreath? Yes, I think so.

Yip, indeed.

2008-01-30T11:19:00.000-08:00

Surprise Surprise.

2008-01-17T13:37:00.000-08:00

You Are Jan Brady

Brainy and a little introverted, you tend to think life is a lot worse than it actually is.

And while you may think you're a little goofy looking, most people consider you to be a major babe.

What Brady Are You?

Knitting is Hard.

2008-01-17T11:02:00.000-08:00

Last night I attended a knitting class at a craft store. I discovered, very quickly, that this particular craft store does not provide the ideal environment for learning. The same easy listening music that is played throughout the store is also played, at a rather high volume, in the "class room." Unbeknownst to me, this class was comprised of a mix of beginning and intermediate knitters. The more experienced students all knew each other and were very very chatty. I had imagined, foolishly, that I would come away from this two hour session knowing how to knit. But all I have is green scarf the size of a coaster.

Nuns on the Run.

2008-01-15T13:32:00.000-08:00

Today I spent some considerable amount of time interleaving the pages of a book about nuns. Why, you ask? Well, this is what happens when a pipe bursts over the most boring section in the library. We don't want those religious tomes to get moldy, now do we? Well, yes I do, but the library, on the whole, does not.

Debris.

2008-01-11T14:35:00.000-08:00

I often get requests for purchases from faculty members. Most of them arrive via email, but there are some people that still insist on using interoffice mail. I have all sorts of fun deciphering their hand-writing. Today I was delighted to receive a request in an envelope that was encrusted with some sort of reddish food matter. I opened up the envelope to find that the request had also been adhered to the inside of the envelope with the same food matter. Was this faculty member, thoughtfully but unsuccessfully, trying to share her lunch with me? And what was said lunch? Red curry? Tomato soup? Hmm. I should call her and thank her. Or maybe I should just return the favor...

Art Terms That Sound Dirty (A Collaborative Post by Lindsey & Ed).

2008-01-10T10:14:00.000-08:00

Bezier Curve
Brush Stroke
Chiaroscuro
Flying Buttress
Foreground
Gaussian
Photomontage
Stroking Path
Trompe-l'oeil

Yes, indeed.

2007-12-24T09:10:00.000-08:00

I have succumbed to LibraryThing madness. You will find a random selection from "my library" to the left of this post. Social networking AND books. How could I resist? I was bored, ok?

Things I should have said at the airport.

2007-12-23T15:39:00.000-08:00

Wow. Carolers AND pre-recorded Christmas music played over speakers throughout the entire airport? This IS the most wonderful time of the year!

Oh, aren't those two little girls in the matching dresses just adorable? And look at how they touch every single bag that goes by. Just delightful. Oh no, your children aren't in my way. I've only been here for an hour and a half waiting for my luggage, in addition to a six hour flight and an hour in a remarkably soul-sucking security line. What's another half an hour?

No hablo ingles.

Why yes, this IS the line to check in! Oh no, those aren't boarding passes in everyones' hands, the airport is giving away tickets to visit Santa in the North Pole!

Frosty Abducted.

2007-12-16T18:33:00.000-08:00

The folks in my neighborhood don't seem to be big on holiday decorations. One might find a string of lights here and there. I myself have a lovely silver sequined wreath hanging on my door. One glaring exception would be the giant inflatable snowman that I noticed protruding out of someone's second floor balcony. Today, returning home, I noticed that this Christmas eyesore was no longer on its perch. Was it the Grinch? Bored teenagers? The fire department? Curious.

The Saga Continues.

2007-12-14T14:54:00.002-08:00

The dethroning of our department head was unsuccessful. I did, however, get him to agree to a Groundhog's Day party. Oh yeah.

"I could feel the academic noose beginning to tighten."

2007-12-12T11:00:00.000-08:00

At the fall semester's end, the library is turning into some sort of cafeteria/dorm hybrid thingy. I was at the reference desk this morning when I heard a strange noise. I turned to my left and there on the floor, in between a table covered with papers and the window, was a student asleep and snoring. There was also a student seen walking into the library with a pillow and a blanket. Hmm.

Departmental Revolt.

2007-12-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

'Tis the Holiday season, so here at [Unnamed College] it's party time. I've been invited to:

1. Staff party at the President's house.
2. Human Resources staff party.
3. Library Holiday lunch.
4. Holiday "gathering" at a co-worker's house.

I recently found out from a colleague that some Library departments are also having their own holiday parties! If you've met my departmental co-workers then you know that they are mostly a solitary and rather unfeastive bunch. I think it's time for an overthrow. I'm the new department head starting now. First item on my agenda: holiday party with margaritas. And a pinata. Feliz Navidad!

Plastic-Eating Creatures.

2007-12-10T09:05:00.000-08:00

This morning I took a rare glance at the passenger's side of my car to find that the rear hubcap is missing. Hmmmmm..... Are plastic Toyota hubcaps a hot commodity these days? Perhaps I should consider selling the remaining three on eBay. Or maybe it was those damn gnomes again.

Euphemisms for male genitalia found in my work email spam filter.

2007-12-05T10:46:00.000-08:00

1. Warrior of love
2. Stem
3. Love weapon
4. Willy

Vote For Me!

2007-12-04T14:48:00.000-08:00

A received a call today from the Southern California chapter of a certain professional organization that shall remain nameless, apparently desperate (I mean, they're calling people) for members to run for secretary and vice chair. So, having been bugged repeatedly to be more professionally "active," I agreed to run for secretary. The person on the phone sounded thrilled. I had been the only member, at that point, who had decided to run. Oh crap, that means I might really have to be secretary.

"The Baron told her that only art meant anything."

2007-11-28T10:49:00.001-08:00

It is true that I often lament the numerous gifts given to our library. Mostly because, well, they are numerous and not very exciting. I recently received a singular and very exciting gift. Well, I thought it was exciting. It is a first edition, although somewhat gnawed at the corners, of The Gilded Bat by Edward Gorey. Sigh. And yes, of course, I read it. It is Gorey in all his delightfully stark gothiness. So, my options are as follows:

a. Add it to the collection.
b. Decide that it is not appropriate for the collection and send it to the ever-growing booksale.
c. Decide that it is not appropriate for the collection and take it home!!

Oh, alright, fine. Option 'a' it is.

Yes, I realize that "gothiness" is not a word. I don't care.

The Blue Poodle.

2007-11-26T13:52:00.000-08:00

I'm back in LA. Again. Oh yeah, I went home for a little while, did I forget to mention that? This morning, on the way to work, I saw someone walking a blue poodle. Yup. It was a poodle. And it was blue.

Back in the Land of Heathens.

2007-11-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

Yay. I'm back. And I've got the overflowing mailbox to prove it. The flight back was interesting. I was surrounded by children...one in front who kept turning around and trying to poke at me, one in back who kept kicking my chair, and one to the right who screamed bloody murder during the landing. Good times.

On the Road.

2007-11-09T04:40:00.000-08:00

Some notes on television in South Carolina:

1. At any given time during the day, one can find episodes of
a. Golden Girls.
b. Designing Women.
2. There is a channel devoted to televangelism.
3. There are commercials for sexual abstinence geared toward 15 year old girls during The Simpsons! OMG.

And if I hear one more person say, "How ya'll do'in?" I don't even know what I'll do.

Buh Bye.

2007-11-05T11:23:00.000-08:00

I will likely be incommunicado for the rest of the week. I'm travelling to Charleston, SC for a conference. Sure, I could bring a laptop and use the hotel's wireless, but I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. Or the money. The conference has an "internet cafe" with, I'm sure, really long lines. We'll see. My flight leaves tomorrow at 6am. Excellent.

LOL--Parental Guidance Suggested!

2007-11-04T19:50:00.000-08:00

Free Dating Online

For the last time, I am not a STUDENT!

2007-11-01T15:45:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I ran into someone from another department who I had met at some event or other. And she asked, "what year are you now?" Oh my GAWD! I'm about to break out the silver hair dye. And there was a great suggestion on http://libetiquette.blogspot.com/ about applique sweaters! By Thanksgiving, ya'll won't even recognize me.

Creepy Weather Report.

2007-11-01T10:41:00.000-07:00

Yes, a weather report can be creepy; even in Southern California where the weather is predictably either sunny or partly sunny. How does one achieve this level of creepitude? David Lynch. And freaky background music. Yup. There is a local rock radio station that has enlisted David Lynch as their meteorologist. And they play weird, Dr. Who like, music in the background. Good stuff.

Little Earthquakes.

2007-10-31T14:26:00.001-07:00

So, apparently there was an earthquake in San Jose last night. Here's a photo from a library post-quake. Oh, things to look forward to.

A Gift.

2007-10-31T13:39:00.000-07:00

As a procurer of books, I am constantly receiving unsolicited snail mail, emails, and phone calls promoting new publications. Sometimes, I will even receive a new book as a gift from an author or publisher just desperate to get their book on the shelf. Today, I received an unprecedented twenty-four copies of L. Ron Hubbard Presents Writers of the Future v. XXIII. Oh, and there's a DVD too. Sick bastards.

$240 Worth of Puddin'

2007-10-28T18:13:00.000-07:00

I spent much of Saturday making Indian pudding for the Halloween party potluck thingy at work. I am not a tidy cook. I am just now assessing the aftermath. My kitchen is caked with Indian pudding. There are intermittent spatters of molasses on various surfaces. A light dusting of cornmeal covers the linoleum floor. So I'm blogging and avoiding that corner of my apartment completely. I now own a crock pot (in the kitchen sink, entombed in pudding) that I will likely never use again. Oh, hey, does anyone want some stew or something?

Killer Clowns From Outer Space.

2007-10-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

This is not a joke. This is an image of the winning proposal for the new Czech National Library. Seriously. It looks like scary clown librarians are waiting inside! And what are those amorphous figures in the foreground? Are those supposed to be people? Oh my.

Library Laser Tag.

2007-10-25T11:07:00.001-07:00

Well, actually, no. We're just shooting each other with barcode scanners. Good times. There's also been talk of book cart races. Awesome. We're going to make it into a library-wide event and call it the Bibliolympics.
I am such a geek.

I Am Not On Fire.

2007-10-23T15:33:00.000-07:00

I know some folks were wondering. No, I haven't been evacuated. My Ikea furniture remains intact. The Gnomes are safe. Work is still on. Of course, there are fires in any given direction, just none in the immediate vicinity. And the sky has a very strange and murky quality to it. I had to cancel that trip to Malibu though. Damn.

Huh?

2007-10-22T19:29:00.000-07:00

So, apparently, Los Angeles is located in California, which is located in Afghanistan. Yup, my blog is telling my that I'm currently in Afghanistan. Blogger, are you sure?

Here's what the Getty Thesaurus of Geographic Names has to say :

Los Angeles (inhabited place)
Coordinates:
Lat: 34 03 00 N degrees minutes
Lat: 34.0500 decimal degrees
Long: 118 14 00 W degrees minutes
Long: -118.2333 decimal degrees
Note: State's largest city; expanded rapidly late 19th and early 20th century due to cattle ranching, railroads and motion-picture industry; has suffered several earthquakes, droughts and air pollution; site of many museums, universities and wealthy communities.
Names:
Los Angeles (preferred, V,N,English-P,Spanish-P)
L.A. (V,N)
City of Los Angeles (V,N,English)
El Pueblo de la Reyna de Los Angeles (V,N,Spanish)
Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula (V,N,Spanish)
............
name of original Spanish community on the site
El Pueblo (V,N,Spanish)

Take that, Blogger.

The Darjeeling Limited.

2007-10-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

It was freakin' awesome. And, as usual, the soundtrack rocked.

Wes Anderson, I love you.